"So what have you been up to lately?" "Oh, not much.......just moving halfway across the globe"

First off I want to thank everyone for all the love and support regarding my last post. I was amazed at the amount of people that thanked me for sharing and shared their own stories of loss. Bringing the stigma and guilt of miscarriage out of the dark ages is something that will always be important to me because of that experience. Soooo...its been an interesting week. Like I wrote in last weeks post, we are moving to Spain. In fact, Im surrounded by boxes as I type. The movers come tomorrow morning and our wonderful townhouse that we've made our home will be empty and we will move in with my parents until the time comes to leave America. A LOT of people have asked me if Im scared to move overseas, and I can honestly say no. Im going to miss our friends and family so much but living in a foreign country doesnt scare me, it excites me. Life is an adventure and I dont intend to spend the next three years being a "base rat" (for you non-military readers--base rat: a servicemeenber or dependent who NEVER leaves base to experience the culture and community of their duty station) There are so many things in Spain and Europe that I want to do during our three years there. So Im working on a European Bucket List. I'm a big fan of the bucket list! Last Christmas during a painfully slow day at work a co-worker and I realized we are both turning 30 next year and devised this great plan. I was going to trailblaze into my 30's with a 30' Before 30 list. I made the list and I was able to do quite few things, but the pregnancy, miscarriage and orders to Spain caused me to revamp my list. My idea even inspired my cousin, who is turning 40 next year to create a 40 before 40 list! Sooo below is my list. HELP me add to it if you've ever been to Europe. 1. Learn to Speak Spanish (duh I know, but I want to be fluent enough to haggle with the Gypsy's at the market) 2. Run with the bulls! Jonathan is absoluetly againist this.....come to think of it I need to check the life insurance policy to see if being gored by a bullhorn entitles my beneficiaries to benefits haha 3. Go to Paris, and drink wine and eat cheese in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower. 4. Climb the Rock of Giblratar. Stay tuned for next post. "I got PCS problems...." (sung to the tune of Jay Z I got 99 problems)

"All things work together for my good"

The word instills fear in every woman hoping to start a family.  Miscarriage.  "The expulsion of a fetus from the womb before it is able to survive independently, esp. spontaneously or as the result of accident"  about 10 to 20% of know pregnancies end in miscarriage, and more than 80% of those losses happen before 20 weeks.  This past February I became a part of these statistics.  This is our miscarriage story, told more to help with our grieving process but also for other women who are experiencing the same....may you find peace during your loss and dont feel as if you have failed....."all things work together..."

December 2012 was a busy month.  My brother got married and we celebrated the holidays with family and friends as usual  We had been so busy and I was  feeling super run down.  I just figured I was tired and maybe fighting a cold.   Never did it cross my mind that I might be pregnant.  On Sunday January 6th  s omething told me to take a pregnancy test.   I have never seen two lines pop up so quickly! Even though I had been off birth control since October I never expected to get pregnant that suddenly. My doctor had prepared me for a minimum of 6 months before we conceived due some previous complications with abnormal pap smears and a LEEP. After those two pink lines stopped my heart, I very calmly walked out and said to my husband "babe I'm  pregnant". His repsonse "Yeah right!"  and he got a positive pregnancy test thrown towards him.. The look on his face was priceless when he caught it; a mixture of shock, fear and pride all in one!  I have no idea why we were both so shocked.  I had been off contraception since October,  but with the possibility of me taking a new job and him being deployed in the Spring of 2013 we had discussed me going back on birth control. I was actually  planning on discussing options with my doctor at my yearly visit in January.  So after a night of no sleep and another instantenously positive test the next morning we made an appointment to see the obgyn for later that week, with an agreement that we weren't going to tell anyone until we got confirmation from the doctor that I was indeed pregnant.

 Later that week at my apt they did the typical work up, and much to our surprise they did an ultrasound.  Sure enough I was pregnant! Although too early to see a heartbeat or embryo we did see a gestational sac.  The doctor wanted to see me back in two weeks to get a better idea if how far along we were.  Based on our visit he thought we were 5 weeks along, but I was too early in my pregnancy to nail down a due date.  Even though we didn't have a due date we left with prenatal vitamins and enough brochures about becoming parents to supply a health department. The excitement hit us and we told our parents, siblings and a few very close friends.  Although we were excited we were cautious. Because I was so early in the pregnancy at our first appointment my doctor wanted to do an HCG count to try and determine fetal growth and get an idea of a due date..  I had blood drawn every other day for a week and although my hcg levels were increasing there were a few samples that were not doubling.  My doctor didn't seen too concerned but just wanted to keep an eye on things. Google medicine freak that I am, I reasearched HCG levels till I was blue in the face and the truth is..its a crapshoot. Some women's HCGs run low their entire pregnancy and some double, even triple everday. Finally, Jonathan banished me from all things googled medicine or Web MD and we decided just to wait and pray. We went into our two week follow up    not knowing if our baby was growing.  I remember laying on the ultrasound table with my eyes closed too scared to look at the screen because my greatest fear would be there was nothing there. The most wonderful sentence I ever heard was "We have a healthy heart beat" coming from the ultrasound technicians mouth. This was it! The presence of a fetal heartbeat reduces chance of a miscarriage by 60%...that heartbeat became "permission" for us to get excited. Our first born child was due  on September 17th 2013.

A few days after appointment, and after we blabbed our exciting news to everyone,  I started to FEEL pregnant! Exhaustion, food aversion, nausea, extremely sore breast, major craving for citrus fruit.  ;Even though we were still in the first trimester I felt so confident that everything was going to ok because of the presence of my little ones heartbeat.   The job I was interviewing for fell through and my husbands deployment was cancelled due to sequestration.  I felt like God had lined it all up for us to expand our family with what I was certain would be a little girl named Madelynn Ann Palmer in September.   On Sunday, February 3rd, at 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant I went grocery shopping.  As I was finishing up, I got a very sharp pain, and then another.  I physically couldn't move the pain was so intense.  I had a full cart at the commissary and I left without buying groceries, just left a full cart there.......in the commissary, on a payday weekend.  (you military people understand how significant that is)  Since it was the weekend we called the ER to see what we should do.    They advised me we could come in but there wouldn't be much they do if I was miscarrying.  MISCARRYING...that word filled my heart with dread.   I had a routine apt scheduled that following day so we decided to wait it out. and By the next morning I had started to spot but was holding out hope that is was just due to my uterus expanding.  At my appoinment, laying on that table  watching the ultrasound tech desperately searching for my baby was the most heartbreaking thing ever. That same screen that  showed our tiny baby with a flickering heart just two weeks before was now full of nothing but a clouded uterus filled with blood. No baby, no gestational sac.........nothing.  At 8 week I had lost our baby.

After the ultrasound confirmed the baby was gone, we had to wait to see the doctor. I remember sitting in one of the small waiting rooms with Jonathan sitting next to me holding my hand. I think he was waiting for the breakdown.......but I couldn't cry, I couldn't speak, I couldn't get angry, all I could do was sit in the most numb state I had been in since my mother died when I was 13.  My doctor pulled us into his office and gave us sincere apologies..I'll never forget how the situation seemed to affect him the same way it did us; like his heart was breaking for us.  We went over a lot of information that I don't remember but what it boiled down do was that my body had already started the process of a natural miscarriage and he felt that allowing my body to continue to terminate the pregnancy on its on versus a D&C was the best approach.  Jonathan and I agreed and we scheduled an appointment for two weeks to follow up. 

Jonathan and I had driven separately holding out hope that everyhting was ok and after appointment we would head off to work.  Jonathan wanted to leave one of the cars and drive me home but I needed 20 minutes to myself.  I asked him to call our parents and my boss and let them know what was going on because I couldnt verbalize what had happened. .  Honestly,  I made Jonathan field phone calls for several days because talking to people was too painful. I didn't want to talk to anyone, him included about what happened. And if you are going through a miscarriage please, please dont shut people out, especially your significant other. This awful thing didn't just happend to me, if wasnt just my baby that died, it was my husband's as well. His grief, while not as apparant as mine was just and real and tangible.   The 20 minute drive home was a blur.  I haven't cried that hard in my entire life.  I'm always the person who feels like I have to be strong for those around me and I was falling apart.bI knew driving home that getting through this would be one of the most difficult things I had been through.

The next few days were a blur.  I only left the bed to shower and use the restroom.  Physically,  I was not in a lot of pain but emotionally I was felt like I was being tortured. That Wednesday, two days after my doctors appoint, I forced myself tog go to work.  I was sooo grateful to be doing something other than thinking about what had happened.  I did a good job of putting on a brave face that week and telling the girls at work that I was going to be ok, and I was...eventually, but at that point I wasnt, I was just doing a halfway job of faking it. Wednesday of that week one of my closest friends gave birth to her second a baby girl. I did something that most people in the midst of a miscarriage would never consider, I went to visit her and her newborn in the hospital..  My friend was so gracious and asked me if I wanted to hold her newborn daughter.  Holding that precious miracle was the most wonderful feeling in the world.  Seeing that new life gave me so much hope and I knew that one day it would be our baby I was holding.  She will never know what holding her baby did for me.  I left that hospital still with a broken heart but a heart that had hope.  Later that evening I passed our baby completely in tact in her gestational sac with her eyes and umbilical cord recognizable.  As strange as it sounds it gave me peace to see what most would call an "embryo", to me it was just my tiny baby that had already left her body and was being taken care of in heaven by my mother and grandparents. .  I gave her to my husband and asked him to take care of her as well as the positive pregnancy tests and ultrasound pictures we had.  I didn't feel that hanging on to those items was healthy for me and I knew that the baby I had passed was just a shell of the person she would have become.

So here we are 5 months later.  How am I?  Good and Bad.  Physically my body handled the miscarriage fantastically.  I did not have to go through a D&C and I didn't suffer through weeks and pain and bleeding like a lot of women do.  My body was back to its normal routine within 5 weeks.  Emotionally, my heart is still healing.  I have a friend who is due the same week I was supposed to deliver and watching her pregnancy grow was very difficult at first.  There was a lot of "that's supposed to be me" attitude running through my head but at the same time I was and am excited for her and her miracle.  All expecting mothers deserve every second of joy their pregancies and babies bring them. Slowly, over the days and weeks my intolerance towards growing bellies has grown into hope that someday my belly will be the one that is filled with life.  One of the turning points to cease my self-pity was watching another friend of mine go through the process of learning she will never be able to have children.  Watching her go through those emotions was awful.  My heart hurts so much for her and her husband.  Talking to her about her experience helped me realize that I am blessed to even have to possibility of having children and that the likehood that someday I will get to hold our babies is high and Im blessed ot have that oppurtunity. . 

My faith in God has never wavered throughout this process.  I have ALWAYS been a firm believer that ALL things (even things that hurt us or things we consider bad) happen for  a reason.  I have had a few angry conversations with God but at the end of the day I KNOW that he makes ALL things work together for my good.  Controversial viewpoint or not, I truly believe that my baby had a soul and is in heaven being loved on by her grandma, great-grandparents and Jesus. Someday when the blessing of children come and they are old enough to understand I want them to know that they have a big sister in heaven that we didn't get to meet herw on earth. 

The scripture that got Jonathan and I through this was Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.."  Its always a miracle to me when you can see God's plans in action, sometimes it takes years to see God in action...God revealed himself to us in a big way in the middle of June.  Jonathan received orders to Rota, Spain on a hot fill billet and we will be leaving the United States to spend three years living in Spain at the end of August.  I'm not sure what God has planned for us in Spain but its something big!  .if I were still pregnant with that baby, Spain would not be happening, or it would and Jonathan would have to miss the birth of our first child.  So for now we are in the midst of processing an overseas move to Spain and yes, the plans to start a family are still in progress. I know that when the time is right, God is going to bless us with a beautiful baby.  For now we are just gonna let God do his thing and hold on for the ride. His plans tend to be a lot more amazing than mine, especially when I let go of my need ot control every aspect of life. In the meantime I'll lean on God, my wonderful husband, family and friends when the hurt of losing our first baby hits me, I'll know that the pain is only temporary. 

"Country Roads, Take me Home"

Hello my peeps.  Sorry for the lack of blogging lately....Ive been on the road a lot lately and just plain busy with work and life.



Two weekends ago I spent the weekend in West Virginia visiting my aunts and cousins. Its not a trip I make as frequently as I should but its always a wonderful and "soul cleansing" vist. WV is my foundation...the opening chapters of my life. I was born in a small town in between Beckley and Charleston...my parents were childhood sweethearts who grew up two doors down from each other. When I was 4 my Dad joined the Navy and we moved to San Deigo but my foundation had been laid. It was foundation of spending summer evenings chasing "lightening bugs" while the grownups drank sweet tea out of mason jars on the porch, before mason jars were dubbed "redneck wine glasses" It was a foundation of Sunday service followed by dinners at my Great Mamaw Renes where all the men sat watching football while the women sat in the kitchen cooking and gossiping......a foundation of swimming in rivers and being petrified as my uncle told tales of catfish big enough to swallow a volkswagon beetle (SERIOUSLY...I believed him)



Kanawha River



Gorgeous Fall Sunrise off Midway Trail


 

I could go on for hours, the first memories of my life in that small town are some of my most cherished. Even throughout all the moving as a Naval family I spent almost every summer of my childhood in WV literatly walking from one grandmothers house to another. As I've gotten older.....I've lost a lot of those family members that played so much into those memories...but those memories are precious and in keeping them it honors my family members that have gone home to the Lord.   Life keeps me from going up to WV as much as I did as child but I try to get up there twice a year.   Say what you wil and insert cliche WV "married to my cousin" joke here......it really is a beautiful place.  Enjoy the view...I grew up with them!










 


Last weekend we went to HowlOScream atBusch Gardens with our best friends Dan and Emily. We were beyond thrilled when the Frezzas joined us here in Virginia and love having them right up the road in Williamsburg. Jonathan, Dan and Emily have all been friends since their freshman year at Western Carolina Universtiy (before Jonathan and Em transferred to ECU) When Jonathan and I started dating I knew that Dan and Emily's approval of me was very important to Jonathan....they are like family to him and have become that way to me as well.....I passed!!!  We always have a good time together and HowloScream was no different.  The lines were awful of course but the rides and hautned houses were outstanding!



 Last week was diffcult on the "baby front"  A friend of mine had a miscarriage.  Under normal circumstances that would be sad but I find it even more difficult knowing and sharing her desire for a baby.  My heart is broken for her and I can empathasize with her pain.  When you are trying to have a baby it seems like everyone around you gets pregnant with no problem and has the easiest most complication free pregnancy ever and then something like this happens and shakes you to the core.  I have been in deep prayer and fasting for healing for her heart and body.  I  know that whatever God has in store for her, myself and any woman who's hearts desire is to become a mother is His plan.....even if we can't understand it His will above all else.

Psalm 139:13

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.



"I DIDNT READ THE BABY BOOKS"

So now that we are "working on it" (I WILL NOT be using the term "trying to conceive" or TTC ---its too clinical and it bothers me haha) I've begun to prepare both my body and my mind for pregnacy and WOW there is a lot of information out there.  My degree is in Health Education and Promotion so I have a pretty good foundation of knowledge in the pregnancy department but I still like to keep myself informed.  

I was at Barnes and Noble a few months ago and was absolutely amazed at how many "baby books" are out there.  As I was staring at the plethora of baby knowledge all I could think about was the scene from "Knocked Up" when Seth Rogen and Katharine Heigls characters were fighting about him not reading the "baby books" and he was freaking out saying

"I didn't read the baby books! What's gonna happen? How did anyone ever give birth without a baby book? That's right. The ancient Egyptians engraved What to Expect When You're Expecting on the pyramid walls!

I forgot about that!"

..and he has point. MILLIONS of women have given birth without the overload of information that American women in modern society have access to. So I've decided I want to keep my research to a minimum.  I dont want to read books that are going to be clinical and harp about all the things that are going to go wrong with my pregnancy and our baby. I want to read books that keep it real but are still witty and humorous because I have never been one to shy away from laughing at myself.  So on my way home from work tonight Im going to be picking up "Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth about Pregnancy and Childbirth" by Jenny McCarthy.  YES, singled-out, playmate, Jenny McCarthy.........like I said I want honesty, humor and entertainment.....not a textbookthat can rival an nursing students OBGYN book. I read an excerpt earlier and literatly laughed out loud reading the sample chapter so needless to say Im looking forward to it. I am a voracious reader so I fully anticipate finishing this book by Sunday! Anyone out there read it?

                   

"We are working on it"

What a lame blogger I have been, life got busy and I go slack. However, there are some changes taking place in our life and I have made a promise to myself that I will document them.  My blog is about to become a bit more like every other blog that women my age have. Ff you read one of my first posts I swore I wouldnt do this to you.......but I lied, and you can stop reading...I wont be offended.  Over the next months this blog will become more for me and less for my readers (all two of you ROCK). It will become a means for me to document the journey Jonathan and I are about to take, so I can look back and laugh and cry and smile. Most importantly it will be for our future children, so they know that their mommy and daddy wanted to remember EVERY second of the journey we took to have them in our life.  Yes world, we are officialy trying to have a baby! The name of my blog has a wee bit more symbolism now than it did 5 months ago.  My promise to my followers..I'll try to keep it funny, witty and dare to say things that no one tells you about becoming a mom without giving you TMI like so many blogs do. So now this annoucment is out there and I no longer have to smile and give a lame answer when people ask me when we are going to have a baby. Now my answer is..."we are working on it"   ---

1 Samuel 1:27–28"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD."

Winter or Spring?

Here in Virginia Beach we are used to mild winters.  We rarely get snow and when we do its like Apocalypse Now! This winter has been abnormally warm, which is fine for my thin southern blood.  Today its supposed to be 70 degrees...on February 1st!  It got me thinking of Spring days and how much I love the season.  Its a time for new beginnings....everything is fresh and new.  Days like today make me wanna play hooky from work (yeah right, I have NEVER done that in my life) and go walk on the boardwalk.  Its a great time of year to enjoy to Va. Beach Oceanfront without feel like you are crammed onto the boardwalk like sardines.  I would give anything to be walking the beach with Jonathan and Cooper right now....salt in the air, toes in the sand, just enjoying God's Creation.   Of course a girl has gotta eat and there are tons of amazing restaurants on the oceanfront.  One my favorite indulgences is the Buffalo Shrimp at Mahi Mah's on 9th St.  They take jumbo shrimp, deep fry them then toss them in a SPICY buffalo sauce and serve them with a jalapeno and red pepper chutney and a creamy blue cheese dip to off-set the heat! That sounds like a great lunch to me, especially after walking the 4 mile boardwalk.  Sigh, I guess I'll go back to work now..............


Tell me, how do you like to spend the occasional spring day that happens the middle of winter?

Spring Fashion Preview

This past year has seen a HUGE change in my personal style!  The main reason being that I am now a stylist for Stella and Dot jewelry.  Prior my working as a stylist for Stella and Dot I was too lazy to care about what was in fashion, I wore "comfortable" Selling Stella and Dot has made me more aware of fashion.  Dont get me wrong, I wont wear something because its trendy or fashionable if it doesnt work for me.  But there are ways to incorporate the styles from fashion week into a normal daily wardrobe........so here is a little tidbit of what I'm hearing coming down all the fashion lines for Spring 2012.

TANGERINE AND NAVY BLUE COMBO IS IN!  Victoria Beckham (style genius--fierce fashionista with baby in tow and rocking Louboutin's) designed and wore this color blocked tangerine and navy dress that hit the market recently.  If the stripes are too much for you try a solid tangerine dress with cropped navy blazer or dark skinny jeans with a tangerine blouse and navy blue boyfriend blazer.  I love the combination of the two colors.......playful but refined at the same time.   Check out jewelry styling options below!  Bring on Spring!

Stella and Dot Millie Necklace $69 with Libby Gold Layering Necklace $69.

  Stella and Dot Serenity Small Stone Drops $34